That relationship that you need a miracle for

That relationship that you need a miracle for

Relationship: We all went to this place. And yet another sorrow falls on us.

There is a relationship that shatters us as it falls apart.

It doesn't matter if the relationship is intact or not. There is sadness in both aspects of the relationship: especially in absence, but also in presence. Ask the spouse of the person with dementia. What was so precious is gone forever. Sometimes presence resembles absence in the most cruel ways.

This is not just about marriage; it's about best friendships, collegial and professional partnerships and relationships with soul mates of all kinds - some of which we never designed and never thought would work, but did.

This is about any situation of grief that affects you about a relationship that needs a miracle. Sometimes that wonder is that you can let go of the relationship. Such a process is gradual learning, courageous risking, giving back to God what life has taken from us, and honoring compelling truth.

You may not be ready to let go yet. Sometimes that wonder is that you're looking for one that gives you the strength to hold.

Hope rests in faith to hold or wisdom to let go,

but oh what it takes to trust tomorrow.

What happens too often

Five months or fifty years ago something came together in all kinds of circumstances and situations that we might or could not have predicted.

A glue formed between us, and while things were good they were so healthy and productive and good. It wasn't just the love we shared. There was something wonderfully elusive that formed between us through the dynamics we shared. And most frustratingly, we can only testify to the potential that was carried between us if either of us or both of us look back.

Maybe they moved on without us. Maybe we should move on. What happens too often is something that unravels; destination or death. It sneaks up and suddenly happens or we could see it coming. Sometimes there are warnings and it is annoying when every communication method is exhausted and there is still no response.

The shattered relationship completely deconstructs which identity we have built together. It reconfigures our philosophy of life. It shakes us to the core. It can take us back to who we were. It may make us wonder who the hell we are. It can destroy us.

The answer...

"... unless there is an intentional attempt to repair and strengthen a [damaged] relationship, it will generally deteriorate."

- Ken Sande, The Peacemaker, p. 219.

Reconciliation is a strange concept. It is highly marketable in nature. We can see that we have made all kinds of agreements with ourselves, but these were conceived in terms that only we could think of. Sometimes their terms are completely what we never expected. We must be ready for repentance.

There are countless possibilities when it comes to reconciliation, whether it be a personal reality, the revival of circumstances that once existed, or the reconciliation of them is over, and every variety in between.

Sometimes reconciliation is impossible, and acceptance is the destination where hope finally comes back to life. A necessary separation is taking place. Continuing brings healing and recovery. In these cases, acceptance is reconciliation.

All we can do is honor the truth above - deliberate effort is needed. When that effort has been made and to no avail, we are working on acceptance. If the effort is necessarily going on, so be it; we are called to a season of patience that may last five years, or a decade or more. It is our wisdom to leave it with God.

Any deterioration reminds us of the effort made

to bring it back to life.

Other deterioration is beyond our control.

All deteriorated relationships inspire us to pray.

We especially pray for peace.

What was cute in romance can become acute in conflict

What was cute in romance can become acute in conflict

Romance: A few years ago I read a few books by David Richo, and this is someone who really knows what he's talking about. Whether it's relationships or self-development in general, his books are packed with insights.

When I read two of his books in late 2013, I recently had a painful break. I was looking for answers and came across many things to think about - and apply - by reading these books.

A few quotes

This was a time when I read, "How do I become an adult" and "How do I become an adult in relationships"? There were two things he said that really stood out so I kept them as two quotes on my phone.

The first was, "the dedication to solving problems as they arise is the only sign that we really want complete intimacy," and the second was, "what was cute in romance can become acute in conflict." I think that while it is clear what the first means, the second is not so clear.

A closer look

When I think of this quote, I think about how a particular trait can be attractive at the beginning of a relationship, but it eventually becomes a problem as time goes by. In the beginning it will be perceived one way and as time goes on it will be perceived another way.

Being high on oxytocin - along with focusing on other properties - may play a role in why something is not perceived as a problem early on. Each person can get entangled in how they feel and the idealized image they have of the other, making it difficult for them to think and see the other clearly.

This will pass

Once they begin to settle down emotionally and are able to think and see more clearly, their view of the other will change. They will no longer float in the clouds; their feet will be back on earth.

One person may start to believe that the other person has changed even though they may be doing the same things they did when they first met. Taking all this into account, it is not hard to see why falling in love is seen as equating to high drug use.

A few examples

So when someone starts dating another person, they may appreciate how that person makes the big decisions, so they can lean back, so to speak. Or they can admire how outgoing they are and how they can easily start conversations with others.

However, as time passes, someone who makes the decisions can make them feel trapped and as if they can't express themselves. And being with someone so outgoing can make them feel ignored, jealous, and they may fear that their partner will cheat.

Final thoughts

If something like this happens, it's a good idea to step back and see what happens. If they can do this, they can take responsibility for their own baggage and minimize the amount of conflict that arises.

Many of the problems in our current relationships go back to what happened in our early years. This is something David Richo talks about in his book 'When The Past Is Present'.

Teacher, prolific writer, author and coach, Oliver JR Cooper is from England. His insightful commentary and analysis cover all aspects of human transformation, including love, partnership, self-love and inner consciousness. With over a thousand eight hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behavior, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice.